Interlude Four—Hope and Expectations

A long-time Al Anon member often tells me that hope will give you life, but expectations can kill you.

I thought I understood him the first time he said it.

The second time…not so much.

I was finding out that I didn’t really know the difference between the two.

Al Anon, like AA, tells its members to put their trust in a power higher than themselves.

The second step says: “I came to believe a power greater than myself could restore me to sanity.”

Every person needs something greater than themselves to believe in.

I cannot imagine going through this life thinking I am all there is.

It’s nihilism at its core.

For the co-dependent, the only way to work the program is to acknowledge a Higher Power.

In the beginning that Higher Power was called God.

But as the program grew, the members discovered that alcoholism and co-dependency crossed the boundaries of culture and religion.

Who might not seek help if they didn’t believe in the Christian God?

What would God ask us to do to reach the desperate addict or traumatized loved one?

So the decision to call God a “Higher Power” was not done to diminish Christian belief, but to allow the broken and hurting a chance to recover.

To me, that is grace.

And as I discovered grace, I discovered that acceptance without expectation gave me hope.

I don’t hope alcoholics won’t drink.

I pray they won’t, but I don’t put my hope in it.

I hope God shows me how to love without judgment. I hope God opens my eyes to the truth.

It’s work to change my thinking, but I have hope when I see it change.

Because I cannot control other people…or often control the circumstances I find myself in.

Expectation is not hope.

My life was hell when I lived with expectations. Not just the alcoholic's but mine.
We were both habitually disappointed in the other, so our expectations became unreasonable.

Expectations almost killed me.

Everyone has expectations. And for the most part, they are reasonable.

A healthy-minded person would think about the expectation and make a judgment on whether or not they could manage it. 

But I couldn’t make those kinds of judgments. So, my mind would find a way to either meet that expectation (even when it wasn’t reasonable…which defined my marriage), or try and get out of it and still keep the other person happy.

It’s a lot like twisting a pretzel…but with your body and soul.

When I first walked into Al Anon and realized nothing was expected of me, the relief brought tears to my eyes. I kept going back because I knew I didn’t have to fit into anyone’s view of anything.

Nothing was expected of me.

It was nirvana.

Until, I saw just how out-of-whack my own expectations had become.

I’ve since worked the fourth step, which is to make amends to the people I expected too much from…namely my children.

They immediately forgave me.

Not because they had to, but because I let them know they didn’t have to.

Grace again.

And though they are witnessing the change in me…I can still see the fallout from all those years of legalistic thinking in their fears and habits and yes, their own expectations of me.

So, I put my hope in God to keep changing my thinking until it lines up with His.

And I hope when that happens, this messed-up life will turn it into gold for my kids…and maybe if there’s still time…for me.

Think, friends.